If you break the handle off a hairbrush or any product with a handle, the best thing to do is put the head or top piece back where you found it because breaking something in half does not necessarily render the product useless. It is always nice to have a handle, but in many cultures a handle is considered a luxury. You can still pick the item up and use it, and that is what is important. Often, this makes the product more fun to use. Unless it is a frying pan.
Today was International Sushi Day and, like last year, I’ve eaten so much I need to lie down. Salmon, tuna, caterpillar, rainbow rolls.. one of each on a sampler platter.. you name it, I nibbled it. Where do you find room for all those bite-sized pieces of fish, they ask. I just smile and hoist another morsel of cold rice off a cute rectangular plate. Little do they know I’m stuffed like raw seaweed.
With all the recent Iran news coming out of Iran, it’s disappointing that no one pronounces the country’s name correctly anymore. When the Bushes were in office, Americans usually heard it pronounced right. Now, sadly, everybody sounds like a clipper ship captain named Watson: “E-ran”… “Ear-ahn”… “That Islamic country that’s bigger than England, France, Spain and Germany combined we shouldn’t start a war with.” To help prevent this linguistic hate crime, here is an educational Flock of Seagulls video:
Police have made an arrest in the killings and mutilations of more than 20 cats in Miami-Dade County. The suspect, known as “Baxter” by family and friends, is charged with 19 counts of improper disposal of dead animals and four counts of burglary. A local mayor has referred to the string of feline attacks as the “plague” of South Miami-Dade. Truer, keener words were never spoken in Florida, but cat serial killers tend to be slippery. Fortunately, I have already written the questions police need to ask to get the confession:
1. Do you try to charm people by bringing them donuts in the morning?
2. Is this all a contrived facade concealing a monster with a heart of gold?
3. As a urine spatter expert, what do you find most satisfying about urine?
4. At what age did your father adopt you after rescuing you from a storage container at the dock?
5. Did your father try to channel your dark impulses and control your urges by teaching you to only kill cats that deserve it? Is this what you would call your “code”? Do you enjoy using the word, code?
6. What is the “The Dark Passenger”? a.) the lost Stooges album, b.) your inner voice, c.) the next Batman movie, d.) what cops call hookers who service them in their cars
7. Do you have a hot sister you wish you could date if she were not your sister but an actress playing your sister?
8. If we were to search your apartment, would we find a little wooden box containing evidence of all your crimes in the air conditioner? C’mon, man, didn’t you realize that’s the first place we were going to look?
9. Do you enjoy a nice plastic tarp?
10. Before you kill your victims, do you make them look at photos of the cats they have killed or hurt unjustly?
11. Does your girlfriend talk like Joey Lauren Adams’ retarded sister?
12. Who is more boring: your girlfriend or your girlfriend’s two kids she had with a drug addict?
13. Is your boat called “Mice of Life”?
14. Do you have a perverted Asian sidekick at work? Are all Asian sidekicks perverted?
15. Does your brother have bad hair? Is that why you killed him?
16. How can you not cry during Terms of Endearment?
17. Are you tight with your Hispanic colleagues?
18. If you could have anything for dinner, what would it be: a.) garden burger, b.) fish and chips, c.) steak and a beer, d.) chicken pad thai
19. Did you kill a lot of cats because there is a hunger inside you- a hunger that cannot be satiated by food but rather by murdering cats that have escaped justice? How can you kill a cat, dude?
It’s not often that I get to recommend a movie on Lifetime. Ever since Nancy Allen took cable by storm in Memories of Murder, Lifetime movies have gone down hill. I won’t even try to guess why. Maybe it’s just the times. Fortunately, after June 21, those times will be nothing but distant memories. Just when you thought Lifetime had sunk so far into the abyss you’d have to watch the WE, Maggie Lawson, Mario Cantone and that guy who’s married to Kathy Lee Ripa bravely put the network on their shoulders and come storming back into our living rooms like it was the last stand on Hamburger Hill. Together they make up the cast of Killer Hair, one of the best movies about a fashion reporter who gets more than she bargained for when dead bodies start appearing at a hair salon based on an Ellen Byerrum book ever made. With a dream cast and title, Killer Hair will make you laugh, swoon and squirm all at once. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Chastity Bono has elected to undergo gender reassignment, and I couldn’t be prouder. Sadly, this news has yet to reach the global audience it deserves. I thought I was excited when I found out Arlen Specter wanted to become a Democrat, but this changes everything.
While we all loved Chastity as a man, it just never seemed like a good fit. Maybe it’s the sensual, Pre-Raphaelite features. Maybe it’s the longing for epic love. Maybe it’s the blazers. I guess, in the end, there can only be one Meatloaf. I just pray that when the rest of America and, hopefully, the world discovers this vital, affecting story we can all come together, begin to question our identity, and make this planet a better place for our children. Like Sonny and Cher worked so hard to do.
The sadistic slayings of more than 20 cats in Miami-Dade County have cast the region into a state of panic. As details emerge, it is unclear whether the police know they are looking for Baxter, 38. Either way, these crimes have shaken the city of Miami to its core. Women and children do not feel safe in their homes. Cats do not feel safe in their cat condos because they prefer cardboard boxes.
CNN describes the scene:
On Thursday, the list of confirmed cat deaths and mutilations grew to 19 pets, police said. They are looking into another 14 feline fatalities… Miami-Dade Police spokesman Bobby Williams said two of the cat carcasses were “posed.” He said that anyone capable of such cruelty toward and torture of an animal “is disturbed at some sort of level.”
Cracking this case will not be easy. Serial killers are elusive. Cat serial killers are even more elusive because they are always on the prowl.
While you are working up the courage to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at home, it is important to know that the DVD case can be used as a coaster or a table space holder. This is fortunate since no one’s ever watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button all the way through intentionally. Not because it looks like Forrest Gump because it is written by the guy who wrote Forrest Gump; or because Brad Pitt plays Brad Pitt; or because there has never been a good PG-13 movie in the history of cinema except Phantom of the Opera and Nell; or because Tilda Swinton’s corpse was denied a Supporting Actress nomination; or because Cate Blanchett falls in love for three hours; or because it is a magical journey. Rather, it is only because we as Americans prefer movies with dance numbers at the end.
